Saturday, October 15, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Today I like Me
Today I like Me. Me is happy, poised, confident, self possessed and has a sense of humour today - she is nice to be with and knows her boundaries and thus easy to be with.
I have been coming to terms with Me for a few weeks now and it seems by my night time dreams, that my subconscious is very busy reorganising my perceptions of Me. I am moving away from the strict controls and judgements of the institutionalised Me and embracing a slower, happier, free-er civilian Me. A Me that 'should not' and indeed 'must not' do anything that she does not want to do.
The 'should do' and 'must do' Me is fighting tooth and nail to take control, however, I will not let her, I subdue her and only allow the free Me to emerge - the Me who does because she wants to do, is excited to do and intrigued to do things of interest to her. The Me who shines brighter when she takes her freedom and lives her truth is a nice Me and all around her look on intrigued by the firmness in her eye and sparkle in her voice.
I like this Me and embrace her and thank her for a good day.
I have been coming to terms with Me for a few weeks now and it seems by my night time dreams, that my subconscious is very busy reorganising my perceptions of Me. I am moving away from the strict controls and judgements of the institutionalised Me and embracing a slower, happier, free-er civilian Me. A Me that 'should not' and indeed 'must not' do anything that she does not want to do.
The 'should do' and 'must do' Me is fighting tooth and nail to take control, however, I will not let her, I subdue her and only allow the free Me to emerge - the Me who does because she wants to do, is excited to do and intrigued to do things of interest to her. The Me who shines brighter when she takes her freedom and lives her truth is a nice Me and all around her look on intrigued by the firmness in her eye and sparkle in her voice.
I like this Me and embrace her and thank her for a good day.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Me
What does it take to begin again?
Perhaps a plan and the will to begin again. Perhaps enthusiasm, courage and tenacity. Perhaps resource, accountability and a kick in the pants!!!
I don't know why I can't begin. I know I should. I know it is good for me. I know it will save me - and yet, no beginning in sight!
I have allowed myself to drift from my goal and my purpose and I feel really crappy about where I find myself. I have been waiting for perfect conditions. Waiting for all the structures to be in place to support my efforts, when I finally give them, and in the meantime, I have lost all impetus, focus and desire.
My body is agitated, my mind unfocused , my emotions - a dam ready to burst, my relationships are strained, my puppies are untrained, my house always on the brink of becoming organised but never quite making it, my creativity yearns for an outlet. My learning is in decline, my desire for life is almost present, but not quite enough to get me out of bed for myself. I need a project and it should be ME. But I am not a project!!!
I am just ME splashing about uncontrollably, irrationally, unpredictably, incongruently, detrimentally and impractically and I NEED TO LIVE WITH THIS STATE OF DISORGANISED IRRATIONALITY BECAUSE RIGHT NOW - THIS IS ME!
This is the ME I have to work with and I have to stop discrediting ME. I have to allow ME space and time to become who and whatever I am. I have to embrace this crumpled and distorted thing that I judge as crumpled and distorted and love her - not in an attempt to fix her, just to love her as she presents herself to me.
She is rough on the edges and does not always do the right thing. She is irritable and can't always find her patience. She is crabby and does not like to be restrained. She is in conflict with herself and can't always be presentable. She is tired and often appears selfish. She is scared and her courage escapes her. She is bold and brave but can't always find her voice. She loves order but can't maintain it. She longs for colour but is afraid to wear it. She is a loner and yet she embraces the right intrusion. She judges herself but tries not judge others. She forgives others but cannot forgive herself. She is quiet, yet her head is filled with noise. She has a large capacity to love yet keeps people out. She is a mystery to others and to herself but she stubbornly toils at unfolding the puzzle of ME.
Bless her heart! May she stop striving so hard and learn to enjoy ME!
Perhaps a plan and the will to begin again. Perhaps enthusiasm, courage and tenacity. Perhaps resource, accountability and a kick in the pants!!!
I don't know why I can't begin. I know I should. I know it is good for me. I know it will save me - and yet, no beginning in sight!
I have allowed myself to drift from my goal and my purpose and I feel really crappy about where I find myself. I have been waiting for perfect conditions. Waiting for all the structures to be in place to support my efforts, when I finally give them, and in the meantime, I have lost all impetus, focus and desire.
My body is agitated, my mind unfocused , my emotions - a dam ready to burst, my relationships are strained, my puppies are untrained, my house always on the brink of becoming organised but never quite making it, my creativity yearns for an outlet. My learning is in decline, my desire for life is almost present, but not quite enough to get me out of bed for myself. I need a project and it should be ME. But I am not a project!!!
I am just ME splashing about uncontrollably, irrationally, unpredictably, incongruently, detrimentally and impractically and I NEED TO LIVE WITH THIS STATE OF DISORGANISED IRRATIONALITY BECAUSE RIGHT NOW - THIS IS ME!
This is the ME I have to work with and I have to stop discrediting ME. I have to allow ME space and time to become who and whatever I am. I have to embrace this crumpled and distorted thing that I judge as crumpled and distorted and love her - not in an attempt to fix her, just to love her as she presents herself to me.
She is rough on the edges and does not always do the right thing. She is irritable and can't always find her patience. She is crabby and does not like to be restrained. She is in conflict with herself and can't always be presentable. She is tired and often appears selfish. She is scared and her courage escapes her. She is bold and brave but can't always find her voice. She loves order but can't maintain it. She longs for colour but is afraid to wear it. She is a loner and yet she embraces the right intrusion. She judges herself but tries not judge others. She forgives others but cannot forgive herself. She is quiet, yet her head is filled with noise. She has a large capacity to love yet keeps people out. She is a mystery to others and to herself but she stubbornly toils at unfolding the puzzle of ME.
Bless her heart! May she stop striving so hard and learn to enjoy ME!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
stronger
My absence over the past months has been quite productive. I have completed a botany course, been on a permaculture design course, made a whole group of new friends, read three new books, planted my own vegie patch, learnt to make bread and pretzels and a number of new dishes, enjoyed a number of huge lightening storms, renovated a built-in wall cabinet, learnt how to take long-slow bath times, found a new acceptance of self, learnt Tai Chi and found a new connection with the earth, catalogued all my seeds, reconciled with a sibling, forever lost a second sibling to permanent irreconcilable differences, planted/transplanted a myriad flowers in my garden, made some lovely beaded jewellery, found a property I want to purchase (with lots of land to practice permaculture), drew up the permaculture design plans for the new property, started a new pen and ink drawing I love, bathed, groomed and walked the pups a thousand times (never ending pre-occupation) and found a stronger more authentic, more forthright me in the process of all the above.
I'd say that was a few months well spent :) I am feeling stronger than ever before and I am learning to like this emerging me although it is a more challenging me to live with.
I must say I have missed blogging everyday - I realise that I love documenting my time, it helps me process emotions and activities, which I may otherwise allow to drift off into oblivion, only to have come back and torment my subconscious in some obscure form I will never be able to later comprehend. And so, I hope that I will make time every so often to come and write about my life here as it does me so much good to write out the words which fill my spaces.
I'd say that was a few months well spent :) I am feeling stronger than ever before and I am learning to like this emerging me although it is a more challenging me to live with.
I must say I have missed blogging everyday - I realise that I love documenting my time, it helps me process emotions and activities, which I may otherwise allow to drift off into oblivion, only to have come back and torment my subconscious in some obscure form I will never be able to later comprehend. And so, I hope that I will make time every so often to come and write about my life here as it does me so much good to write out the words which fill my spaces.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
happy spring day - southern hemisphere!
It has been a huge whirlwind of a week. Spring is upon us, August has been hot, dry and dusty and we cannot wait for the rains. I find that people get cranky at this time of year; the weather, I think is to blame, after the first rains, everyone magically settles down. All this dry weather does however allow us a small window of opportunity to sort out the winter garden. The spring rains bring back the cold of winter for a while, but mostly, we are past the worst winter has to offer and appreciating the blossoms and sunshine.
I have been busy with spring garden jobs, mostly by instinct, as I have never done this before. I have pruned just about everything; creating the shapes I want for bushes and hedges, chopping up trees like there is no tomorrow and pulling up tired biannual and harvesting the leaves from a shrub I cannot name, not even after applying my new botanical knowledge BOT101.
The shrub is woody, perennial, has grey leaves and smells like eucalyptus. (any ideas?) I have never seen it flower, that may be due to my highly depleted sense of botanical observation until now, the BOT101 is taking care of that nicely.
This is an abandoned corner of the garden nobody ever sees, it is right next to the kitchen and so I have claimed it for a herb garden. I have actually been working on it all winter as the soil was terribly depleted.
It is however looking quite plantable now.
I made lovely little seedling pots out of newspaper. The idea came from a post by Urban Homestead S.A., I altered the idea slightly, and now am able to fill my pots with soil as they are made. I simply cut the bottom off of my shampoo bottle (the sacrifices we make). I fill the bottle with soil, wrap the newspaper around (it's about 30cm long/15cm wide),leaving at least half hanging off the edge, fold the 'hanging off' pieces over the cut-off opening of the bottle, overlapping them to form the base. Then tip the bottle over and slide the pot off - and there you have it, ready made seedling pots which can be planted directly into the ground as the newspaper is biodegradable. The seedlings don't suffer replant shock and shouldn't suffer climate change either, as I have them sitting happily in the sun, right where they will, be planted in about two weeks. As a first time gardener, I must say I am very happy with the outcome. Time will tell if I am actually doing anything right at all :)
Once I had used up all my newspaper and potting soil,
I counted up how many pots I had
........ 99!
What a lovely number!
(little tip - use a permanent marker for the labels - my labels are washing off ....blah! )
I have a lovely design layout for my garden which I created with my graphic software (ah! the fun I had). I know exactly where each plant will live, and have researched the needs of each and located the best possible garden spot for each individual. I am companion planting with flowers, so it should all look quite lovely, oh yes, all this work is to create a herb garden, I am studying herbology, so this is hands on study for me.
I am having a great time passionately throwing myself into the garden, perhaps that is a newbie thing ... first love affair ... give her time, it will fade .... I hope not, I simply love the idea of encouraging life to bloom around me and hope that in the process I bloom too.
.
I have been busy with spring garden jobs, mostly by instinct, as I have never done this before. I have pruned just about everything; creating the shapes I want for bushes and hedges, chopping up trees like there is no tomorrow and pulling up tired biannual and harvesting the leaves from a shrub I cannot name, not even after applying my new botanical knowledge BOT101.
The shrub is woody, perennial, has grey leaves and smells like eucalyptus. (any ideas?) I have never seen it flower, that may be due to my highly depleted sense of botanical observation until now, the BOT101 is taking care of that nicely.
This is an abandoned corner of the garden nobody ever sees, it is right next to the kitchen and so I have claimed it for a herb garden. I have actually been working on it all winter as the soil was terribly depleted.
It is however looking quite plantable now.
I made lovely little seedling pots out of newspaper. The idea came from a post by Urban Homestead S.A., I altered the idea slightly, and now am able to fill my pots with soil as they are made. I simply cut the bottom off of my shampoo bottle (the sacrifices we make). I fill the bottle with soil, wrap the newspaper around (it's about 30cm long/15cm wide),leaving at least half hanging off the edge, fold the 'hanging off' pieces over the cut-off opening of the bottle, overlapping them to form the base. Then tip the bottle over and slide the pot off - and there you have it, ready made seedling pots which can be planted directly into the ground as the newspaper is biodegradable. The seedlings don't suffer replant shock and shouldn't suffer climate change either, as I have them sitting happily in the sun, right where they will, be planted in about two weeks. As a first time gardener, I must say I am very happy with the outcome. Time will tell if I am actually doing anything right at all :)
Once I had used up all my newspaper and potting soil,
I counted up how many pots I had
........ 99!
What a lovely number!
(little tip - use a permanent marker for the labels - my labels are washing off ....blah! )
I have a lovely design layout for my garden which I created with my graphic software (ah! the fun I had). I know exactly where each plant will live, and have researched the needs of each and located the best possible garden spot for each individual. I am companion planting with flowers, so it should all look quite lovely, oh yes, all this work is to create a herb garden, I am studying herbology, so this is hands on study for me.
I am having a great time passionately throwing myself into the garden, perhaps that is a newbie thing ... first love affair ... give her time, it will fade .... I hope not, I simply love the idea of encouraging life to bloom around me and hope that in the process I bloom too.
.
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