Friday, May 20, 2011


What does it take to begin again?

Perhaps a plan and the will to begin again.  Perhaps enthusiasm, courage and tenacity.  Perhaps resource, accountability and a kick in the pants!!!

I don't know why I can't begin.  I know I should.  I know it is good for me.  I know it will save me - and yet, no beginning in sight!

I have allowed myself to drift from my goal and my purpose and I feel really crappy about where I find myself.  I have been waiting for perfect conditions.  Waiting for all the structures to be in place to support my efforts, when I finally give them, and in the meantime, I have lost all impetus, focus and desire.

My body is agitated, my mind unfocused , my emotions - a dam ready to burst, my relationships are strained, my puppies are untrained, my house always on the brink of becoming organised but never quite making it, my creativity yearns for an outlet.  My learning is in decline, my desire for life is almost present, but not quite enough to get me out of bed for myself.  I need a project and it should be ME.  But I am not a project!!!

I am just ME splashing about uncontrollably, irrationally, unpredictably, incongruently, detrimentally and impractically and I NEED TO LIVE WITH THIS STATE OF DISORGANISED IRRATIONALITY BECAUSE RIGHT NOW  - THIS IS ME!

This is the ME I have to work with and I have to stop discrediting ME.  I have to allow ME space and time to become who and whatever I am.  I have to embrace this crumpled and distorted thing that I judge as crumpled and distorted and love her - not in an attempt to fix her, just to love her as she presents herself to me. 

She is rough on the edges and does not always do the right thing.  She is irritable and can't always find her patience.  She is crabby and does not like to be restrained.  She is in conflict with herself and can't always be presentable.  She is tired and often appears selfish.  She is scared and her courage escapes her.  She is bold and brave but can't always find her voice.  She loves order but can't maintain it.  She longs for colour but is afraid to wear it.  She is a loner and yet she embraces the right intrusion.  She judges herself but tries not judge others.  She forgives others but cannot forgive herself.  She is quiet, yet her head is filled with noise.  She has a large capacity to love yet keeps people out.  She is a mystery to others and to herself but she stubbornly toils at unfolding the puzzle of ME.

Bless her heart!  May she stop striving so hard and learn to enjoy ME!

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